Question: Every time our sixteen-year-old daughter goes out we seem to get into a battle over what time she has to be in. She tells us that we're stricter than all the other parents, that she can never have any fun, and that it's embarrassing to be the first one coming home. We're not sure what's a realistic curfew or how to enforce it without being the "bad guys."

Answer: Curfews can easily become a battleground for parents as their teenagers strive for increasing control over their own lives. Certainly parents need to be in charge, providing the limits and guidance that keep teenagers safe and healthy. But, it helps if young people feel that they have a voice in decisions. These guidelines were helpful in our family as we worked together to determine reasonable curfews for our kids:

• Instead of having parents declare an arbitrary curfew, parents can first ask their children what they feel is a reasonable time for them to be home, considering all the circumstances of where, when, and what the young people will be doing. In the long run, this helps teens learn to be responsible, reasonable, and considerate. (In our family we found that when we let the kids suggest a curfew, it often was an earlier time than we might have set.)

• Talk with other teens and their parents about what is reasonable. This is important, especially when the problem seems to be that "all of the other kids can stay out later." If parents and kids decide together on some community rules, then no one needs to feel embarrassed because their parents are stricter than others.

• Have clearly set rules and expectations that everyone in the family understands. One of our family rules was that the kids would always let us know where they'd be and when they planned on returning. In the rare case where one of the kids had a problem making it home on time, they knew they could call us without getting in trouble. Now, as our kids look back on their teens, they say they knew we trusted them and so they did not want to betray that trust. And, although they may not always have understood it at the time, they say they know that the reason we set a curfew was because we cared about them and their well-being. A curfew is not a punishment.

• Check into whether your town has curfew laws for kids your daughter's age. Parents need to be aware of, and support their children in being respectful of, these laws. To accommodate the fact that many teens are night owls, parents might host late-night get-togethers -- maybe for videos and pizza -- at home. This gives teens the chance for late-night fun, in a safe place, within the rules of the community.

Through all of your teens' striving for control and independence, remember that young people thrive when they know that parents care enough to set limits. In the short-run, we may not win a popularity contest. But, in the long-run, our kids will know that we had their best interests at heart.

Question: Several times lately our four-year-old has gotten all worked up at night, claiming that there's a monster under his bed. He says that he's afraid to be alone in his room. Is this cause for concern? And, how can we help him get over these fears?

Answer: What you describe is not at all unusual. For many reasons, young children get frightened when they're alone, especially at night and in the dark. They often imagine all sorts of scary creatures in the closet or under the bed. Very young children can't separate reality from fantasy, and when they can't see what's around them, their vivid imaginations go to work. Also, the frightening images that surround our children on television and film may feed into these fears.

These images are not all fantasy: Actual news stories of children being abused or kidnapped can erode the security of children of all ages. It also is common for ordinary stress and anxiety to bubble up at night--when children can't exactly name what's making them uneasy, it may come out as fear of imagined creatures.

Such fears become cause for serious concern only when they go on long enough--or are intense enough--that they interfere significantly with a child’s sleep or the ability to play and learn during the daytime hours. In that case it would be wise to check to be sure he has not experienced something traumatic--and seek professional counseling if needed.

For now, here are a few tips on how to help your son master these fears so that he--and you--can rest easily:

• Take your son's fears seriously, without overreacting. It is important not to dismiss or ridicule his fears. Hear his feelings and reflect them back to him with words: "I can see you're really scared."

• Reassure him that you are there to make sure he is safe. Offer comfort as needed, and demonstrate to him that there's nothing frightening in his room. This may mean turning on the light in his closet or looking under the bed to show him that everything is fine.

• Over time, help him actively master his fears by reading or making up stories about little boys and their monsters. (Maurice Sendak’s “Where the Wild Things Are” was a favorite at our house.) Or you could join him in imaginative play and act out monster stories. For example, he could pretend to be the monster and you could be the child who tells the monster to either start being nice or go someplace else. Or your son could be the parent reassuring his stuffed animal or doll that he will keep them safe.

• Finally, see through your child's eyes by remembering your own childhood. What used to frighten you? And what did you find comforting at those times? As with so many aspects of parenting, our own childhood memories often yield the best information on how to care for our children.

Question: I'm about to become a grandparent for the first time. I'm so excited, but also a bit worried about how involved to be.  I'd welcome advice on how to help my son and his wife without intruding.

Answer: How wise and thoughtful you are!  Just the fact that you are asking the question tells me that you'll probably do just great.  In today's high-pressure world, grandparents are more important than ever -- both to grandchildren and to their parents.  Your support can be the
ingredient that tips the balance in favor of health and wellbeing for the whole family.

• First of all, offer your support to the parents, addressing their needs so they can address the needs of their child.

• Be a partner in parenting, taking your cues from the parent and respecting that the parent is in charge. While you certainly can share your wisdom and experience, remember that your son and daughter-in-law will need to find their own way -- just as you did when you were a new parent.

• Stay open to new learning. Research is constantly expanding the base of knowledge about what is most effective. For example, research pokes holes in the old myth that babies are spoiled by being picked up when they cry. And, despite the longstanding popularity of spanking, research shows that other types of guidance and discipline are more effective in the long-run. Stay curious and join your son and his wife in learning all that you can.

• Keep things light, remembering your own mistakes & vulnerabilities. There is probably nothing more reassuring to new parents than to hear about the missteps others made and survived. 

• Perhaps most important of all, be one of the adults who is crazy about this child! There is nothing any child needs more than to know that he or she is the sparkle in someone's eye.

• And finally, remember that the most powerful teaching anyone can do is by example. In a time when children are desperately in need of adults who will teach them virtue, let your life be that lesson. 

Question: My wife keeps telling me that I give in to everything our kids want, that I'm never willing to say no to them.  She's probably right, but I find myself just not able to make them unhappy by denying them what they ask for, whether it's material things or privileges.  Any words of wisdom for a dad who's too much of a softie?   

Answer: Oh yes, kids can break our hearts, can't they?  And sometimes it's just so much easier to give in than to hold fast to what we know deep-down is right.  However, keeping an eye on the longterm goal of parenting sometimes helps to strengthen our resolve.  We need to ask ourselves, "What kind of a person do I want my children to become?" Always giving in to children's pleading sends them a clear message that pleading is the way to succeed.  And that's not the message most of us want for our kids. 

So, next time your kids are pushing for something you're not sure is best for them, try these three steps and see how they work for you:

• Take a deep breath and say you need to think about it for a while.  Then get all the information you need in order to weigh the pros and cons, making an unrushed decision based on careful thought.  Sometimes kids create a sense of urgency that makes us think we have to give an answer right on the spot.  But making a thoughtful, planful decision sets a good example for our children -- and it allows us to discern more clearly when it's time to say "no" and when it's just fine to say "yes."

• Listen to your children's wishes and feelings -- and acknowledge them.  Even when you decide that it's not best to fulfill their hearts' desires, a simple "I can see that you really want this" at least lets them know you take their feelings seriously.

• When your answer is "no," state it gently but firmly, and give a clear, straightforward reason your children can understand.  Then stick to your decision, no matter how much pleading follows.  If it's appropriate, you might suggest an alternative -- something else you would allow your children to do.  Or, if it's a material thing they wanted and you aren't willing to pop for the cost, engage your children in figuring out with you how they might earn it over time.  Learning to delay gratification and pursue a goal are important parts of growing up!

No doubt some of your decisions won't win you a popularity contest in the short-run, but the rewards for you and your kids will be great in the long-run.  Although they may not tell you this until they are 30, over time your children will come to see you have their best interest at heart.  And you will be helping them develop a deeper sense of appreciation for the things and the privileges that are theirs. 

Question: The time has come to put our family dog to sleep and our 8-year-old daughter is determined to be there for the procedure. We’ve agreed to let her be there, but we’re not sure how to help her deal with it. She is very sad knowing that the dog will be gone. We want to make sure that her mental health is supported during this time. What do you suggest?

Answer: I know firsthand what a sad step this is to take, and you're wise to think ahead about how to help your daughter with it. Here are a few suggestions:

•  Tell your daughter as clearly and specifically as possible what the procedure will be like. With an 8-year-old you need to be very concrete in describing what the room will be like, what the veterinarian will do, how the dog will be kept calm and comfortable, what you and your family will do, and what will happen afterwards.

•  Engage your daughter in planning how to make her dog as comfortable as possible during the last days or hours of his life, as well as during the actual procedure. Help your daughter understand that, as sad as this is, it is necessary to end the dog's suffering. And let her know how good it must feel to her dog to be with her at this time.

•  Plan together a "memorial service” for the dog. For example, frame a favorite picture of the dog, light a candle, remember the fun times you had together, and focus on what was special about this pet. Let your sad feelings come out and acknowledge that this is a very hard thing to go through.

•  Allow for ample time together after the procedure. It can be difficult to come home to the empty house afterwards, so plan some comforting activities together. For example, take a walk, go out for lunch, or snuggle on the couch and watch a favorite video. I still remember when we had to end our dog’s life about ten years ago and how I just couldn't stand to be alone in my house that first day or two afterward – even as a middle-aged adult! I’m still grateful for the friend who came over, took a walk with me, and just let me be sad.

•  Many children find comfort in expressing their feelings through art or writing. If your daughter is so inclined, encourage her to draw or paint a picture of her dog – or write a story about his life with your family. If the feelings are too raw to do this right away, your daughter may want to do this a week or two later. The sad feelings don’t disappear quickly, so it can be helpful to stay attuned to your daughter’s feelings and encourage her to express them in ways that feel helpful to her over the next few weeks.