Question: Our two-year-old is becoming really selfish and demanding. Especially when it involves food, he wants what he wants when he wants it. For example, if we tell him he can't have a donut for dinner, he throws food on the floor or even at us. How should we handle this?

Answer: Two-year-olds are indeed selfish, although that does not mean they will grow up to be self-centered. At this age your son is just beginning to discover that he’s not the center of the universe, and he doesn't like it one bit. Like other two-year-olds, he hasn't yet developed patience or the ability to control his impulses. So when he can't have what he wants right now, he expresses his frustration with abandon. Two-year-olds haven't yet learned social rules or how to balance their own wishes with the needs and wishes of others. Your job at this stage of your son's development is to help him learn what is acceptable, knowing that it will happen slowly and gradually. Your son will learn best if you can deal with his behavior calmly and consistently:

•  Be clear and firm about the limits you set. For example, if your rule is no donuts for dinner, simply say "no donuts" and then don't be swayed by his tantrum. (Of course it might be easier to keep the donuts out of sight in the first place! It's awfully hard for a two-year-old to see something so appetizing and be told that he can't have it.) When he throws food, firmly and calmly tell him, "Food is for eating, not throwing." Then remove the food from his tray until he's ready to eat nicely. The first couple of times you do this he may fuss or scream, but over time he'll come to understand that you have clear expectations about mealtime behavior. Consistency is the key.

•  Offer a substitute. This is a basic rule of parenting: when you deny a child something or stop an unacceptable behavior, redirect his attention to an acceptable alternative.

•  Keep your cool.  Be careful not to respond to his tantrums with anger. A calm but firm response is much more effective in helping him settle down, and your anger will only escalate his frustration.

•  Catch him being good. When he's sitting calmly in his high chair, tell him that you like the way he's eating so nicely. As he gets older and learns to tell you, "I'm mad," instead of throwing food on the floor, tell him you're glad he's using words to tell you. Young children often are bombarded with messages about what they can not do, so it's important to recognize when they do the right thing.

Question: I am in bedtime hell! My one-year-old boy won't go to bed unless he is held to sleep. I've been using the "cry it out" method, but it is so painful to hear. My 3-year-old's routine consists of our lying in bed with her reading and singing songs. She won't let us leave, and when we do she screams and cries. We end up falling asleep in her bed because we're so exhausted. Can we reason with a 3-year-old? How can I get my evenings back with my spouse?

Answer:  In all the years I've worked on parenting issues I think I've heard more questions about bedtime than any other topic.  Whether it's an infant waking parents up all night, a toddler who won't stay in his own bed, or an eight-year-old refusing to leave his video games and put on his pajamas, bedtime battles wear parents out. Bedtime hassles have different meanings for children of different ages. A one-year-old is in the throes of intense attachment issues, just learning to manage brief separations from mom and dad. And he doesn't yet have the advantage of language skills to help him express his feelings and understand why he needs to go to sleep on his own. In contrast, a three-year-old usually is more readily able to go to sleep on her own if the parent's expectations are clear. And her more advanced language ability enables her to understand the plan. But she also may be caught up in rivalry with the one-year-old, demanding her share of your time and attention at bedtime. Especially if you're working during the day and not having much one-on-one time with her, she may see bedtime as a time when she can get your full attention. If you're like lots of working parents, you may even feel guilty that you have too little time with her. And that can make you more vulnerable to her bedtime pleading.

Although the following steps will need to be adapted to each child's stage of development and level of understanding, the principles of managing bedtime should be helpful with both of your children:

• ANTICIPATE BEDTIME by easing into calm, quiet activities at least an hour before "lights out." A warm bath, a soothing snack, snuggle time in cozy pajamas, soft music, and dim lights can set the stage for a good night's sleep. Sometimes it helps if mom and dad are in a robe or pajamas too so the kids don't feel like they're going to miss out on fun activities.

• ESTABLISH A BRIEF COMFORT ROUTINE as you settle each child into bed. Tuck the children in with a favorite blanket and stuffed animal, read a short story or sing a lullaby as you gently rub their back, and tell them in a soft voice what tomorrow holds in store.

• BE CLEAR UP FRONT ABOUT WHAT YOU WILL DO DURING THIS BEDTIME RITUAL. Especially with your older child who can understand what you tell her, spell out the limits of what you will do (for example, one story and one song), then do no more and no less. If she cries, tell her you know she's unhappy, but it's bedtime now. Then say no more. Although it may take several nights, she eventually will discover that you mean what you say. But if you give in to her cries, your actions will speak louder than words and you will be back where you started.

• Especially with your one-year-old who is in the habit of falling asleep in your arms, GRADUALLY DECREASE THE AMOUNT OF PHYSICAL CONTACT NECESSARY TO GET HIM TO SLEEP. For example, you might rock him for several minutes, then put him down in his bed when he's relaxed but awake. Then pull a chair next to his crib and gently stroke his back. After a few nights you could just sit next to his bed silently reading a book of your own or listening to soft music, without rubbing his back. And, after a few more days he may be ready to fall asleep to the soft music even when you're out of the room. (If music is too stimulating, he may be calmed by steady "white noise," such as the hum of an electric fan or a noise machine.) At this age, he needs to see that you are there to make sure he's safe and comfortable, but that you also trust that he can learn to sleep on his own. If, after you leave his room, he continues to cry for more than a few minutes, check to make sure he's OK, pat his back and speak softly, but leave him in bed.

• PRAISE PROGRESS. Your three-year-old will be able to understand when you tell her how proud you are that she stayed in her bed and didn't cry after her bedtime story. The next morning go in to get her out of bed with a big hug and a reminder of what a good job she did with bedtime the night before. The trick is to be matter-of-fact and unemotional when setting bedtime limits, but expressive and enthusiastic when recognizing your child's success.

• GET A BABYSITTER ONE NIGHT A WEEK to give yourself and your husband a break. This also can help your children learn to adapt to going to bed under different conditions. In the long run, that will be good for them and you.


 

Question: I have no children of my own, but I have been very close to my 6-year-old niece ever since she was born. We especially love reading and doing artwork together on weekend afternoons. My brother and his family will be moving to Europe in a few months and I'm devastated that I will no longer be a part of their life. Is my niece old enough that she will remember me? And is there anything I can do to stay close to a child this age even from such a distance?

Answer: Although it certainly will not be the same with your family members so far away, there are many steps you can take to stay closely connected to your niece. Indeed we live in a global village today, with many of us actively linked to friends and family around the world. Although your niece is old enough to retain memories of the many wonderful times you've had together, some of the following suggestions will help to make those special memories even stronger for her as she grows up.

•    Since you have a few months together before your niece moves, engage her in making a photo story book of the things you've done together.  If you don't have photos of all the special times, draw pictures and write stories.  Be sure to leave space at the end for the future visits you're sure to have with each other. This is a way to let her know you plan to be a part of her life in the future.

•    As a going away gift, give her some art supplies and ask her to send you pictures of the new places she goes and people she meets. Show her the refrigerator or wall where you plan to display these pictures, so she knows you will treasure them.

•    After the move, every few weeks send her a video of yourself reading her one of her favorite stories. Or send her a book with a recording of you reading it, so she can follow along as you read.  Then she can send you a video or audiotape, reading a simple book for you or telling you about her new school and neighborhood.

•    A fun and creative activity with children this age and older is to create a marathon story together through the mail.  You could start by sending her a beginning of a story (in words or pictures), then letting her send you the next installment…and so on, back and forth. (E-mail works great for this if you both have access.)

•    For a more personal touch, set a regular time for a monthly phone date with each other.  By scheduling a consistent time, you still will be a predictable part of her world.

•    Finally, don't underestimate the power of sending funny little greeting cards, perhaps with a small surprise inside. My own children, now in their thirties, still remember the cards their grandmother sent them when they were little, always with a single stick of gum inside. That simple stick of gum was a sweet reminder that Grandma was thinking of them across the miles.

Question: I have two children, ages 10 and 2. For years I have been inundated with people telling me, "Just wait until he reaches the terrible two's" or "those awful teenage years are just around the corner." These folks offering unsolicited advice truly irritate me. It never has turned out nearly as bad as they claim it will, and often times my kids' stages are better than I expected. How can I best reply to people who continue to say, "Just wait!"

Answer:  You sound like you have a very positive attitude about your children's stages of development and, apparently, realistic expectations about the usual ups and downs of childhood. How nice for you and your children that things usually go even better than you expect!

Unsolicited childrearing advice and warnings about the challenges ahead really don't demand a response. A simple "hmmm" or "interesting" might suffice.  But if you think a more elaborate response is in order, here are a few remarks that will acknowledge the person's concern while still holding the line about what you feel about your children's behavior and development:

•    "I find it a fascinating adventure to see the different stages my kids go through on their way to growing up. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes it's easy, but it's always interesting."

•    "You know, I always expect that kids will go through some tough times, so it's a nice surprise when a stage is easier than I expected."

•    "I remember how hard it was sometimes to be a child. No wonder kids sometimes give us adults a rough time."  

•    "I'm glad to know that if my kids are difficult at that age, I can turn to you for support."

Or you might even just turn the focus back onto your advice-giving friend by saying:

•    "I'm really sorry to hear it was such a hard time for you when your child was that age. I hope you had good friends to support you!"

Question:  Our 13-year-old daughter spends hours and hours in her bedroom with the door closed.  Is this normal teenage behavior? It doesn't seem healthy, but we're not sure how much to push her to come out and be with the family. 

Answer: Although teenagers often retreat to their bedrooms for privacy, you're absolutely right that too much time behind closed doors is not healthy. What is your daughter doing when she's in her room? Is she reading, sleeping, or listening to music? Is she on the computer, talking on the phone with friends, or watching TV? Today many households have a TV in every bedroom, not to mention other electronic gadgets that serve to isolate family members from one another. So, if that is the case in your household, start by moving some of those gadgets out of the bedrooms and into a shared space such as a living room or den. 

Have a straightforward talk with your daughter about your need to have more time together as a family. Engage her in deciding with you how to strike a balance between the need for quality time together and individual time alone. For example, you might agree that she could have an hour to read or rest in her room after school as long as she joins the family for dinner and an evening bike ride or other shared activity. Or perhaps on days that she has after-school activities or social plans, she would be free to hang out in her room after she's had dinner with the family and helped with the dishes.

 
Sometimes too much time spent alone in the bedroom signals boredom. If your daughter is not involved in school or community activities, help her identify areas of interest and find classes or organizations that will help her develop her skills in the arts, sports, a foreign language, or whatever sounds appealing to her. At 13, children are just beginning to establish a sense of identity and can benefit greatly from opportunities to explore a variety of interests. Furthermore, developing areas of competence –- playing the flute, kicking a soccer ball, or making homemade pizza -– provides a great boost to self-esteem at an age when most kids really need it. Think also about what your daughter can contribute to her community. There are countless opportunities for young people to volunteer through community organizations or places of worship, reading to toddlers, visiting residents in nursing homes, or helping organize food or clothing for families in need. Not only do such volunteer activities provide a real service to the community, but they also foster important life skills and confidence in the volunteer.

If, after your best efforts, your daughter continues to seek long periods of time alone in her room, she might be depressed. If her school performance has slipped, her friendships have changed, and she lacks interest in things that ordinarily would be fun or exciting for her, you should seek guidance from a mental health professional. Teens thrive when they stay connected to family, school and community. Too much isolation can be both a symptom and a cause of emotional problems and, as such, should be taken seriously.