Question:  My 7-year-old son never seems to listen to anything I say. My directions and warnings go right by him and I seem to end up yelling at him all the time.  How can I get him to listen to me? 

Answer:  This is a common complaint from parents. Sometimes we adults spend so much time giving orders and correcting behavior that kids simply tune us out. And the more we crank up the volume, the more kids ignore us. In short, we need to learn to be more selective about what we say, be sure we have a child's attention before we talk to them, and then make sure our words are not empty -– that is, mean what we say and say what we mean.  Here are a few tips that should help you make sure your son listens and takes you seriously:

•    When you need to give him instructions or re-direct his behavior, move close to him and say his name or even touch him gently on the shoulder. Make sure you have eye contact with him before you tell him what he needs to do.  This is much more effective than talking from across the room (or worse yet, shouting from another room) and it shows your child that what you are saying is important.

•    Use a soft voice and as few words as possible. When we launch into a long lecture, children are almost certain to tune out. A brief, simple message is much more likely to be heard and understood. It's amazing how much attention a whispered directive can get, especially from a child who has become desensitized to a parent's yelling.

•    When you give instructions or correct your child's behavior, tell him what you want him to do, rather than what he should not do.  For example, instead of saying, "Quit making such a mess on the couch," tell him, "You need to eat your snack at the kitchen table."

•    State in clear and specific terms what you expect and what the consequence will be when he has followed your directions. For example, "When you finish those ten arithmetic problems, we'll watch the video you wanted to see" or "When you have all your toys back in the toy box you can have that snack you asked for." (Notice the use of "when" rather than "if." This communicates your confidence that your son will follow through.)

•    If your son doesn't comply with your directions, follow through right away with the consequences you have stated. Be matter-of-fact, stating simply, "Since you didn't put your toys away, we'll save that special snack for another day."  If you're tempted to lecture about how he never does what you ask him to do, swallow your words. Just let the consequences speak for themselves. Over time, he'll discover that it is in his best interest to listen carefully and do what you ask.

Question:  Both of my kids seem to have a chronic problem with losing things.  Every day I end up searching high and low for their glasses, homework, caps, and shoes.  I don't mind so much with the 5-year-old, but it seems like the 9-year-old ought to be able to keep track of his own stuff.  Do you have ideas about how I can turn this around? 

Answer:  It sounds like this has become your problem rather than the children's since you are doing all the work to find their lost items. Although it may take a while for the message to sink in, I think it's time to let the kids know you're giving the problem back to them.

•  Start with a problem-solving session with the children, asking them to generate ideas about how they can prevent things from getting lost in the first place. For example, having a coat and hat rack and a shoe tray right by the front door might help, along with a new family habit of taking shoes and outer-ware off the minute you come in the door. Homework could go into an in-and-out basket right next to the place the kids usually do their work. Your job, at least for a while, could be to check right after the kids come home and again at bedtime to see that important items are in the right place –- letting the kids know, of course, that you appreciate the new habits they are developing.

•  Having too much clutter in the house often is an underlying reason for things getting lost, so consider engaging the whole family in a fall clean-up to get rid of clothes and toys that the kids have outgrown. This also can be a great opportunity for the kids to experience the satisfaction of giving items that are still in good shape to other children in need. (I know that in the community where you live Arc is one organization with many convenient drop-off locations. And they even provide doorstep pick-up service several times a year.)

•  When things still get lost, as they are bound to do sometimes, avoid stepping in to rescue the kids by searching for the items yourself. Instead, coach the children by asking questions: Where were you when you last remember having it? Did you have it when you came home from school? Where did you go next? Then let the kids do the legwork of searching in likely places –- or, with your younger child, work together. Over time, the children will learn to ask themselves the same questions to narrow down their search, rather than frantically and randomly looking all over the house.

•  Finally, be sure to notice when the kids are not losing things.  Let them know you are proud of them, but also point out that it makes their life easier: "You're keeping your things very well-organized lately. That must feel good to you."

Come to think of it, my husband spends a whole lot of time looking for lost keys and glasses. Maybe some of these strategies will work for him too!  

Question: My daughter is in fourth grade. The girl who has been her best friend for over a year has stopped talking to her.  I'm not sure what triggered the split, but the other girl is totally rejecting of my daughter and absorbed in her new best friend. It's breaking my daughter's heart. How can I help her through this?

Answer: Children this age can be very fickle.  Alliances form and dissolve and form again, but this can be very painful indeed.

•  Begin by simply acknowledging your daughter's feelings.  Tell her this is a lousy thing to go through and you know it makes her sad and angry.

•  Without giving her too much false hope, let your daughter know that things may change. There may have been a misunderstanding that led to the rift in the friendship -– or even misinformation spread by a jealous classmate. With patience and care not to slip into treating the former friend badly, your daughter may find that the friendship is renewed over time.

•  Sometimes children benefit from practicing what to say and do in tough situations. Ask your daughter what happens when she sees her former friend at school.  It's tempting for someone who's feeling rejected to find ways to retaliate, saying bad things behind the other person's back for example. But whether or not your daughter and the other girl ever resume their friendship, your daughter will do best in the long run if she can treat the former friend with respect. (This can be a hard, slow lesson to learn, but one that lasts a lifetime.)

•  Regardless of what happens with the old friend, help your daughter focus on other opportunities for friendship.  Engage her in thinking about interests she shares with other classmates or neighbor children, and encourage her to invite others to come over to play games, go skating, or watch a movie.

Years from now your daughter may not even remember this falling out with her best friend, but the comfort and guidance you give her will be with her forever.

Question: Our daughter is a first-grader, 6-and-a-half years old, and she takes forever to get ready and get out the door in the morning, or any time of day for that matter.  It doesn't matter if she's going to school or if our whole family is going to church, or shopping or whatever.  She can tell time quite well, but she is always late – and she's making the rest of us late too.  How can we handle this without just nagging all the time?

Answer:  It's not unusual for a child this age to have trouble getting organized and out the door.  Even though your daughter can tell time by the clock, at six years of age her practical sense of time is still developing.  She may need help to learn how much time it takes to get ready to go out. Also, getting ready requires some organizational skills that many young children haven't developed yet. And there are countless things that can distract a child between the closet and the front door.  It sounds like time to give your daughter some coaching on organization and time management.

•  In the evening, engage your child in thinking about the things she can do in advance to make getting ready go more smoothly the next morning. For example, she could choose her outfit for the morning and lay it out next to her bed. And she could pack her backpack for school and place it by the front door. (If you ask her to come up with the ideas, she's more likely to cooperate.)

•  If she's especially slow in the morning, as many children are, wake her 15 - 30 minutes earlier to give her extra time.  Whatever the time of day, give her plenty of advance notice whenever she needs to get ready to go out.

•  If certain things distract your daughter while getting ready, try to eliminate those distractions. For example, if TV is a distraction, leave the TV off until she's completely ready.

•  Break the getting ready time into chunks. For example, tell her a half hour in advance that it's time to get ready, then check on her progress 15 minutes and 5 minutes before it's time to go. Gently ask her, "How are you doing? Is there anything you need?" With a dawdler, it's easy to say, "Hurry up! Aren't you ready yet?" But that often causes a child to get flustered and go more slowly

•  Some children respond well to using an oven timer to give them a more concrete sense of the passing of time.  Your daughter might enjoy a game of "beat the clock," seeing if she can be fully dressed by the time the bell goes off.

•  You have discovered already that nagging doesn't work. So try focusing on the positive instead.  Initially you'll need to acknowledge each sign of progress – organizing her things the night before, eating breakfast without dawdling, or dressing quickly. Eventually, you can just congratulate her, "You're ready right on time! That's great!"         

Question: I recently started dating a nice woman, but she'll only go out with me once or twice a week and she doesn't let me come to her house because of her sons, who are 5 and 7 years old. She says she doesn't want the kids to get to know me unless it looks like our relationship is getting serious.  How would it harm the boys if I hung out over there? Isn't she being unreasonable?

Answer:  Good for this mother for looking out so carefully for her sons' best interests. It can be difficult for young children to deal with a single parent's casual dating relationships.  The children may start to get close to someone, then suddenly that person is gone and they don't understand why. Children may even blame themselves for driving the person away.  This can be especially hard for children who already have experienced their parents' break-up and are still coming to grips with the confusion, loss, anger, and self-blame that often entails.
Also, in the early stages of a dating relationship, a couple usually will be very caught up in each other and may have trouble dividing their attention between children and their date.  This can leave young children feeling squeezed out of the picture.

This mother also may be wisely cautious about the example she sets for her children in terms of dating behavior.  Even from a very early age, children learn values and standards by watching closely how parents and other important adults behave in their daily lives.  By not rushing to bring a new boyfriend home, this mom is making a strong statement about her personal values and priorities.

So, my advice to you is to be patient.  Wait and see how this relationship develops.  Enjoy the opportunity to get to know this woman on her own terms. And meanwhile, if you decide you are serious about wanting to play a bigger role in her life, make a special effort to learn what you can from her about her sons' personalities and interests. And learn about her hopes and dreams for her family and the values and behaviors she wants to encourage in her children.

Then, if and when she decides to bring you home, take time to get to know the boys. Do things they enjoy.  Go together to a child-focused movie, eat at a restaurant they choose, or ask them to teach you their favorite game. 

Know that you are on the children's turf and they may be wary to accept you. Initially they may see you as an interloper who draws their mom's attention away from them.  If their father is a part of their lives, they may worry that you're trying to take his place.  Whatever the boys' response to you, take things slowly and be sensitive to their needs, always remembering that they are the children and you are the adult.