Question: My pediatrician says I should read books to my 8-month-old baby every day, but I can't seem to get him to hold still and listen. I want him to do well when he gets in school, but this feels like a losing battle. Do you have any suggestions?

Answer: Although reading to children has many benefits, forcing the issue will defeat the purpose. It is important in the early years to help children discover the joy of books, and there are many ways to do that without trying to make a lively infant hold still.

• Have sturdy, colorful board books around for your baby to handle (and chew!) during floor play. Get down on the floor and follow your baby's lead; if a certain picture catches his attention, point to it and, in an animated voice, tell him about it. For example, say, "That's a big, red ball!" or "Look at the puppy! Puppies go "woof-woof."

• As he gets older, engage your son in acting out what he sees in his books -- roaring like a lion, purring like a kitten, climbing Jack's beanstalk or chugging up the hill like "The Little Engine that Could." Use books as the starting place for him to use his energy and imagination to go beyond what's on the page.

 
• During quiet times when you're nursing or rocking your baby, try reading him a short bedtime story in a soft, soothing voice. This will help him connect reading with those special, comfortable times you are together.

• Let your child see you reading for pleasure. Although he's too young now to understand this, over time your example will help him discover the value of reading.

 
• Keep in mind that good reading skills have their roots in early language experience. So talk, talk, talk to your baby. When you're changing his diaper or giving him a bath, smile and look into his eyes and describe what you're doing. Make up silly rhymes, sing songs, and tell him stories with his name in them.

• When your son begins to talk, elaborate on what he says. For example, if he points to a bird and says, "Birdie!" say, "Yes, that's a bird. Look at the birdie fly away."

• As he learns more words, read the first part of a line in a familiar storybook and let him supply the last word. This will be his first taste of "reading" by himself and he'll love it when you cheer his efforts. Move your finger under the sentence as you read and he'll discover the left-to-right, top-to-bottom pattern of our written language.

• When your son is old enough to speak in sentences, encourage him to make up a story of his own. Write it down on paper and read it back to him just the way he said it. This provides a lesson in the link between spoken and written language. But, most of all, it lets a child experience the power of creating something that is his own.

Throughout all of these activities, keep things light and fun and attuned to your son's interests. Over time he'll learn that reading is not something he "has to" do, but "gets to" do!

Question: My 18-month-old son's favorite word is "no!" He’s extremely active and into everything, even (or especially) the things we’ve told him are "no-no's." He absolutely flips out when he can’t have his way. His dad says I've spoiled him by letting him get away with too much, but I don’t see that his strict approach works very well either. Is this already the beginning of the "terrible two's"? And what is the current wisdom about how to make this age less terrible?

Answer: One of a child's main developmental tasks in the second year of life is to demonstrate that he is a separate person with a mind of his own. As you are discovering with your son, children accomplish this task in some noisy and irritating ways. At 18 months of age, your son has moved beyond the total dependency of the first year of life. But he doesn't yet have fancy words to plead and reason with you -– nor does he have well-developed mental or physical skills that allow him to be as independent as he'd like. So, to show you he's his own person, he resorts to using the only tools he has: saying no, doing the opposite of what he's told, and throwing a tantrum when his efforts fail.

At this age a child also repeats what he hears. And since most parents find themselves saying "no-no" a lot, toddlers throw that word right back at them. Furthermore, toddlers have insatiable curiosity as well as a new mobility that allows them to act on their curiosity. And they are only beginning to learn and remember the rules about what’s OK to touch and what’s off limits. Often, their troublesome exploration is not deliberate disobedience but just an enthusiastic expression of their natural curiosity.

That said, your job as parents is to help your son find a healthy balance of independence and cooperation. This requires time and patience, but there are several key steps that will make this gradual process go more smoothly for you and your son.

• So your son can express his natural curiosity freely and safely, move dangerous or fragile objects out of his reach and keep safe, interesting objects where he can explore them to his heart’s content.

• Use simple words and gestures to set clear limits for your son. Keep in mind that if limits are too strict, your son will feel angry and frustrated much of the time, and that will be difficult for both you and him. But if limits are too liberal, he will feel overwhelmed and insecure. Picture limits as a corral that is just the right size, giving your son freedom and opportunities within safe and reasonable boundaries.

• When possible, give your son choices. For example, let him choose whether to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt; whether to have peaches or applesauce for a snack; whether to brush his teeth before or after his bath. When children feel they have some power over the things that affect them, they are more willing to accept their parents' power when they need to.

• When necessary to stop your son from doing something unacceptable, offer an alternative. For example, when you move him away from the buttons on the stereo, give him a colorful puzzle and say, “Let’s play with this instead.”

• Reserve your harsh voice for the most important warnings you need to give your son. For example, if he reaches for a cup of hot coffee or darts toward the street, shout, “Stop!” or “Danger!” Too often we parents bombard our young children with so many sharp directives that we lose our effectiveness. Then, when we truly need to stop our child in a hurry, we’re at a loss.

• At those times when your child “flips out” (as toddlers are bound to do), give him some space and don’t engage in a battle. Only if he is putting himself or someone else in danger, hold him firmly and gently until he begins to settle down.

• Teach your son words to express his feelings. When he begins to get upset, say, “You’re angry,” or “I know you don’t want to do this right now.” Over time, he will learn to use words to tell you how he feels, and he will have less need to act out his anger.

• Finally, the toddler period is the time for you to begin developing a very important parenting habit: Catch your child being good. When your son follows a simple direction or calmly accepts a limit you’ve set, give him a big smile and tell him you like what he did. Young children want their parents’ approval; when you pay attention to their positive behavior, they are likely to repeat it again and again.

Question: I’m a single dad in a serious dating relationship with a woman who is wonderful in many ways, but I'm very troubled by her explosive temper. It seems to come out of the blue, sometimes aimed at me but often at her own six-year-old child, which disturbs me even more. She doesn’t hit her daughter, but she yells in a way that truly seems to frighten the girl. Witnessing this is upsetting for my daughter too. I’m far from perfect and need to look at how my own behavior might trigger my friend's anger, but it feels like much of her anger is about something that goes way back in her life. I would love to make this relationship work, but I can't expose my daughter (or myself, really) to these kinds of unpredictable outbursts. Can an adult change a pattern like this? How can I address this?

Answer: At a time when your friend is not angry, sit down for a heart-to-heart talk about this behavior. Tell her that you care deeply about her and want to make this relationship work, but that her angry outbursts are a serious barrier. Tell her you would like to understand what it’s like for her when she becomes so angry. Does she recognize this as an ongoing pattern in her own behavior? Does she see it as a problem? Is this how her parents handled anger? And, if so, how did she feel about it? How does she think her explosive anger affects her daughter?

If your friend does not see the behavior as a problem, then it may be time for you to move on; a necessary first step toward changing such behavior is recognizing the need to change. If she does show some insight and has a desire to change, encourage her to seek psychological counseling. A qualified therapist should be able to help her learn to recognize the early signs of anger and develop a more positive way of coping.

The therapist also can focus more broadly on the parent-child relationship with an emphasis on more effective, constructive ways to guide and encourage her daughter. And since you seem to have a strong commitment to your relationship with her, it might be wise to attend some counseling sessions together so you can work with each other on ways to communicate effectively, parent together, and resolve conflicts when they arise.

It also is possible that your friend’s behavior is a symptom of depression, anxiety or some other mental health problem that could be alleviated by medical treatment. A good therapist can help determine if medical intervention is needed and can recommend a qualified psychiatrist in your community. (Even if medication is recommended, counseling will be an important part of the plan to change these longstanding behaviors.)

Whatever happens, your friend is fortunate that you are willing to support and encourage her to learn better ways to handle her emotions -– and to look at your own role in these difficult interactions. Your daughter also is fortunate you are looking out for her best interests while considering the kind of family you want to build in the future.

Question: My mother-in-law takes care of our three-year-old daughter while we are at work, which is a great help to my husband and me. The problem is that she seems to equate food with love. She gives our daughter unlimited quantities of chocolate chip cookies, sweet rolls, candy, you name it. The truth is, they spend most of the day watching TV and eating treats. If our daughter only saw her grandma occasionally, I wouldn’t worry so much, but this is 5 days a week and our little girl is chubby already. How can I handle this without offending my mother-in-law?

Answer: Your concern is very well founded. Early eating patterns have a long-lasting effect on a person's weight and general health. Heavy consumption of foods high in fat and sugar are especially troublesome, increasing the risk of such health problems as diabetes and heart disease, not to mention the physical constraints and emotional pain that often accompany obesity. And habits formed early in life can be hard to break.

You don't mention if your husband shares your concern, but since this situation involves his mother I would urge you to engage him in working with you to address the situation. Here are the steps I suggest you take:

Arrange a time for you and your husband to talk to his mother without your daughter present. Tell your mother-in-law you know how much she loves her granddaughter -– and how much her granddaughter loves her. Assure her that you are grateful for her close involvement in your little girl's life.

Tell your mother-in-law you have decided to make a concerted effort to get your daughter started on good eating habits that will help her grow up healthy. Say you hope she will work with you on this, then have her brainstorm with you about how to do this both at home and at her house. For example, agree to keep portions small and to serve heavy treats only occasionally. Think of fun, healthy alternatives to the rich snacks (for example, fruits arranged on a plate to make a smiling face, popsicles made of fruit juice diluted with water, or a colorful yogurt and cereal parfait). Visit your public library to find books with creative, child-friendly recipes for healthy eating.

Let your mother-in-law know you understand that giving treats is one way of showing love. Then generate other ways she might show her granddaughter how much she loves her: reading favorite storybooks together; going to the park to play with other children; dancing together to music from grandma's younger days; drawing, painting or playing with play-dough; playing dress-up with old clothes. These activities are important in their own right because they are key ingredients for good mental development. And they will provide welcome relief from a steady diet of television.

With a sincere discussion about your shared love for your daughter, Grandma hopefully will agree to join you in providing your daughter with a healthy diet and more varied activities. But if not, you may need to consider other alternatives for childcare, as difficult as that would be. (You could still make sure Grandma and your daughter spend plenty of time together on weekends or perhaps even continue to spend one weekday together.) For many reasons, a three-year-old needs to be in an environment that provides appropriate nourishment for body and mind. I hope you, your husband, and his mother will be able to work together to be sure your daughter’s developmental needs are well met.

Question: I take care of my six-year-old daughter as a single father on the weekends. I leave her at home alone for a period of 30 minutes on Sunday evenings so I can go out and run, which is my regular exercise activity. My daughter would rather I not do it, but she does OK with it. She knows not to let anyone in, not to play with the stove, or drink something bad under the sink. She has kept herself safe and sound and has either been mildly scared or not scared at all. Some members of my family are against this practice and think I'm abusing my daughter by leaving her alone. What do you think?

Answer: Even if your daughter seems bright and mature, I think it is unwise to leave her alone. Knowing what to do to be safe does not necessarily mean she would apply that knowledge in a highly stressful or frightening situation. For example, in case of a fire or household accident, emotions take over -- especially for a child so young. Or if someone came to the door, they might convince your daughter it's safe to let them in; many parents have been surprised at how easily their young child can be persuaded by strangers to violate the rules parents thought the child knew.

Also, it is important to attend to your daughter's own uneasiness about being left alone. One of our most important tasks as parents is to give our young children a feeling of security. One way to do that is to demonstrate an unwavering commitment to keep them safe.

Recognizing that a regular exercise regimen is important to you, I suggest you consider some alternatives that would take your daughter's comfort and safety into account. For example, how about biking or skating outdoors with your daughter on the weekends –- or swimming with her at a local Y or health club? (This would serve the added purpose of engaging her in physical activity, a key to health and wellbeing for people of all ages.)

Or perhaps a neighborhood teenager could care for your daughter on Sunday evenings while you take your 30-minute run. Or you could arrange a play date for your daughter at the home of another child in the neighborhood while you run, then reciprocate at another time to give those parents a break. Another option would be to use a treadmill or mini-trampoline to exercise at home after your daughter's bedtime.

Whatever alternative you choose, know that this is in your own self-interest as well as your daughter's. If anything happened to your daughter while left alone at your house, you would never forgive yourself. More positively stated, by keeping her safe and respecting her feelings, you are laying the foundation for a strong, positive relationship as she matures.