Question: My four-year-old seems to whine all the time, to the point where I want to scream every time I hear that whiny voice. Now his younger brother is starting to do the same thing. This is wearing me out, but I’m not sure how to change something that has become such a pattern. What do you suggest?

 

Answer: It may take some time, but with a clear and consistent approach you should be able to reduce the whining a great deal. (Notice I didn’t say eliminate it entirely; everyone whines once in a while, especially young children.) The first and most important principle is to avoid rewarding whining. Too often we parents complain about our children’s whining, but if they whine long enough, we give in. Plain and simple, that teaches kids that whining works.

Exactly how (or if) you respond to your child’s whining will depend in part on the circumstances in which it occurs. For example, if your son whines when he asks you for something, say, “Use a positive voice to tell me what you want.” If he doesn’t understand what you mean, demonstrate for him how you want him to talk to you. Tell him that from now on you are not going to answer him when he whines -– and then don’t. (After you’ve explained this to him a couple of times, you should just be able to give him a look when he whines and then turn away until he uses a positive tone.)

Many times kids whine when they’re asked to do something they don’t want to do (e.g., put their toys away or come to the table for dinner). If that is the case with your child, simply ignore the whining. If he’s doing what you asked him to do (even if he’s whining about it), tell him matter-of-factly, “Thank you for doing what I asked you to do even though you didn’t want to.” If he does the task without whining, pay special attention.

Whatever the pattern of your child’s whining, be sure to notice times when he is positive -– especially in situations when you might have expected him to whine. At those times, give him a big smile and hug and tell him you appreciate his good attitude.

Keep in mind also that young children often whine when they’ve been over-stressed. At the end of a long and tiring day, when they’re in unfamiliar surroundings, when they’re not feeling well, or when they haven’t had enough attention from a busy mom and dad, kids are bound to get whiny. So try to anticipate and prevent those situations as much as possible. For example, transition times often are especially difficult for young children (and parents, too) -– times like the morning rush to get off to work and childcare, coming home at the end of a long day, or bedtime. Right after work, we often rush around to check the mail, phone messages and make dinner. Instead, it often helps to give children half an hour of undivided attention before dealing with those other tasks. Bedtime often goes more smoothly if we intentionally set up a consistent, relaxing ritual of a warm bath, story time and a gentle lullaby. (This ultimately takes less time than the hassles that ensue when we try to rush bedtime.) And it helps to allow plenty of time for the morning routine even if it means getting up a few minutes early. Nothing is more likely to provoke whining -– or worse -– than trying to get young children and yourself dressed, fed and out the door in a hurry.

Finally, be mindful of how the adults in the household talk to each other; often, children are not the only whiners in the house. As with all aspects of family life, we parents need to be careful to model the positive attitudes and behaviors we want to see in our children.

Question: Our six-year-old son wants to do everything perfectly right away, especially sports. He watches professional sports on TV and thinks he should be able to shoot baskets, hit the baseball, ski or skate just like the pros. When he tries and fails, he gets terribly upset and cries and slam things around. He actually is well-coordinated for his age, but lacks the patience or frustration tolerance to take things slowly. Where can we start to help him develop these qualities?

 

Answer: Your question triggers childhood memories for me. My parents still tease me about the way I would watch performers or athletes on TV and then proudly proclaim, “I can do that!” One time after watching trapeze artists on a circus show, I eagerly tried one of their stunts on the trapeze swing at our neighborhood park. Alas, I landed flat on my face in the dirt -- quick (and painful) lesson in the importance of taking time to learn! (Not that I ever learned to be a trapeze artist, mind you, but you get the point.)

Since your son’s not likely to experience such an instant lesson, here are some steps you can take to help him learn to manage his frustration and build his sports skills, one step at a time:

• Pick one or two of your son’s favorite sports and help him break the complex skills down into “chewable chunks.” For example, practice tossing and catching a baseball, hitting the ball off a T-ball stand (much easier than hitting a moving ball), dribbling a basketball, or throwing the basketball into a large trash can or at a spot on the garage wall. Encouraging him in each step along the way, help him work his way slowly toward his larger goals.

• Sometimes children with a low frustration tolerance do better practicing skills with someone other than a parent. So consider arranging for a family friend or an older boy in the neighborhood to take your son out for a game of catch once in a while.

• As an alternative to watching professional sports, take your son to a pee wee hockey game or a park and rec T-ball or basketball game. Let him see other children in the early learning stages of the games and remind your son that’s where the pros started too.

• When he’s old enough, sign your son up for low-key sports activities in your community. Make sure there are sensitive, supportive coaches who emphasize sportsmanship rather than scoring or winning. (Most programs face a shortage of parent volunteers, so perhaps you will become one of those sensitive coaches yourself.)

• Knowing that some frustration is almost inevitable in sports (something I’m reminded of every time I play golf!), teach your son ways to manage his feelings. For example, when he starts to feel frustrated, encourage him to take 3 deep breaths and count to 10.

• Focus your positive attention on the times your son handles frustration well. Assure him that you understand how hard it is to keep trying something that doesn’t come easily, and tell him you’re proud of the mature way he is learning to calm himself and continue to work on his skills.

• Finally, be aware that your son will learn from your example. Let him see you struggling with new skills and handling your own frustration well. Laugh at your own missed shots or slips on the ice and go back and try, try again, just as you hope he will.

QUESTION: My 3-year-old daughter has been potty trained for several months, but in the past two weeks she's had "accidents" daily. Her elfish grin when she tells me she "didn't make it" suggests that she may be trying to get my attention. What's up?

 

ANSWER: It's hard to know for sure why your daughter has slipped lately, but there are a few things you might consider. She may indeed be trying to get your attention, especially if you've been unusually busy or preoccupied, or if anything in her life is making her feel a little less secure than usual. Has there been a change in your family schedule? A change in her daily activities now that summer is here? A new baby or some other major change in your family? If that is the case, it will be important to give your daughter some extra attention, maybe setting aside special times for cuddling, reading, playing or going out together.

Also, be sure to let her know how proud you are when she stays dry for a period of time – maybe checking every half hour or so and saying, “Good job of staying dry.”. If she does have an accident, be very quick and matter-of-fact about dealing with the mess so that she's not reinforced in using that as an attention-getter. Toilet training can become an arena for a major power struggle between parents and toddlers, but if you take a low-key approach, there will be little for your daughter to struggle against.

There may be other reasons for your daughter's lapse in toilet training. For example, 3-year-olds sometimes get very caught up in their activities and truly do forget to take a bathroom break. Probably when you first were training your daughter, you prompted her to go to the potty. It may be time for a refresher course, reminding her periodically to use the bathroom and praising her when she does.

Also, it is possible that your daughter is drinking more than usual, as many of us do in the summer when it’s hot and we’re more active outdoors. She is still pretty new at this potty business and may not be very sensitive to her body's own cues. Her elfish grin may be a look of embarrassment, rather than mischief. A calm, supportive approach probably will help her get back on track with no need to feel ashamed or to turn this into a battle of wills.

Question: The shopping mall in a nearby suburb recently added a new group of shops aimed at young adolescents, and this has become the “in” hangout for 11-12-year-olds. We’ve heard our 11-year-old daughter and her friends talking about all the time they plan to spend there this summer. We’ve told our daughter we won’t allow her to spend a lot of time there because the shops sell overly sexy clothes and feed into the kids’ materialism, not to mention the fact that hanging out at the mall is just not constructive use of time. She just stomps into her room, slams the door and yells that we’re “living on another planet.” Are we being unreasonable? And, if not, how can we handle this without having her mad all the time?

 

Answer: Your concerns are well-founded and quite reasonable, especially considering the age of your daughter. The bottom line is that you are the parents; your job is to keep your daughter safe and help her develop strong character. Your job is not to make her happy all the time -– and it’s a good thing, because that would be impossible! Although you’re bound to hear some grumbles for now, here are some guidelines for setting reasonable limits balanced with a clear respect for your daughter’s need to have opportunities to hang out with friends.

• Decide on the specific limits you will set about your daughter’s time at the mall. For example, will your daughter never be allowed to go? Or might she go occasionally for a brief time with a friend? If and when she does go, what will be the rules and guidelines about how much she can spend and what kinds of things she can buy (e.g. no low-low hip-hugger pants and no suggestive slogans on T-shirts)?

• Explain your limits simply and clearly, then stick to them even when she groans, “Oh Mom!” (Keep in mind, however, that you will need to adjust the rules as your daughter matures and gains more independence. Being clear and firm does not mean that you have to be rigid.)
• Talk with other parents and, if possible, unite in setting shared guidelines and limits about not only the mall, but other situations that come up. This is the best line of defense against the classic “everybody’s doing it” argument, which you’re bound to hear many times in the next few years. For the kids, a united community of parents helps to relieve the stress of peer pressure. In fact, many young people say they sometimes secretly feel relieved when their parents tell them no.

• Brainstorm with your daughter (and perhaps with her friends and their parents) about other ways to spend free time. Sometimes “hanging at the mall” is the fallback when there’s a lack of opportunity for other activities with peers. Consider bowling, skating, volley ball or gathering each week at a different home to make pizza, bake cookies, or play games. Or coach the kids in planning a service project, such as monthly visits to a nursing home or collecting outgrown clothing, books and toys for a shelter.

• Because young people do need unstructured time to socialize, think about alternatives to the mall. Too often, communities lack safe places for kids to hang out, so consider taking the initiative to get something started in your community. Perhaps if parents volunteered to help, a local church, school or park building could offer a drop-in center during specified hours. (Such a center at a church in our neighborhood was a great asset for our kids when they were younger.)

Your daughter is at an age at which she may give you “get out of my life” messages (the slammed door, for instance). But know that love, steady guidance, and clear, reasonable limits are exactly what she needs from you. Although you’re not likely to hear a “thank you” right now, you are sure to see benefits in the long run.