Question:
I'm about to become a grandparent for the first time. I'm so excited, but also a bit worried about how involved to be. I'd welcome advice on how to help my son and his wife without intruding.
Answer:
How wise and thoughtful you are! Just the fact that you are asking the question tells me that you'll probably do just great. In today's high-pressure world, grandparents are more important than ever -- both to grandchildren and to their parents. Your support can be the
ingredient that tips the balance in favor of health and wellbeing for the whole family.
• First of all, offer your support to the parents, addressing their needs so they can address the needs of their child.
• Be a partner in parenting, taking your cues from the parent and respecting that the parent is in charge. While you certainly can share your wisdom and experience, remember that your son and daughter-in-law will need to find their own way -- just as you did when you were a new parent.
• Stay open to new learning. Research is constantly expanding the base of knowledge about what is most effective. For example, research pokes holes in the old myth that babies are spoiled by being picked up when they cry. And, despite the longstanding popularity of spanking, research shows that other types of guidance and discipline are more effective in the long-run. Stay curious and join your son and his wife in learning all that you can.
• Keep things light, remembering your own mistakes & vulnerabilities. There is probably nothing more reassuring to new parents than to hear about the missteps others made and survived.
• Perhaps most important of all, be one of the adults who is crazy about this child! There is nothing any child needs more than to know that he or she is the sparkle in someone's eye.
• And finally, remember that the most powerful teaching anyone can do is by example. In a time when children are desperately in need of adults who will teach them virtue, let your life be that lesson.
SJ
We collectively agreed early on that the parents set the rules on how their children will be raised, we simply support their choices. We're their support not overseers or controllers. Boundaries can be tough - especially when the subjects of religion or politics comes up. We're of a Catholic background - they're agnostic. But grandpa and I remind each other that we raised our family - this is their turn - their shot at life...we're going to choose to enjoy and love the grandbabies without reservation!
I am careful to offer my help (housework, cooking, babysitting etc.) and then wait for the request. I tried to recall my early parenting years and where I would have liked some help and when I needed time alone or with my new little family. So I make myself available and then just step back and wait. We keep a baby/child's room in our home; age appropriate toys, extra sleepers, wipes, sleeping quarters, blankets, etc. (Garage sales are a real help here!)
One of my best times is making a pancake breakfast with the grandkids at their house on a pre-selected Sunday morning and letting our son and daughter-in-law sleep in! It's great for ALL of us!
Best of luck - you're gonna be GREAT!!
Mother_Mary07:44 PM CST