Question: Every time our sixteen-year-old daughter goes out we seem to get into a battle over what time she has to be in. She tells us that we're stricter than all the other parents, that she can never have any fun, and that it's embarrassing to be the first one coming home. We're not sure what's a realistic curfew or how to enforce it without being the "bad guys."

Answer: Curfews can easily become a battleground for parents as their teenagers strive for increasing control over their own lives. Certainly parents need to be in charge, providing the limits and guidance that keep teenagers safe and healthy. But, it helps if young people feel that they have a voice in decisions. These guidelines were helpful in our family as we worked together to determine reasonable curfews for our kids:

• Instead of having parents declare an arbitrary curfew, parents can first ask their children what they feel is a reasonable time for them to be home, considering all the circumstances of where, when, and what the young people will be doing. In the long run, this helps teens learn to be responsible, reasonable, and considerate. (In our family we found that when we let the kids suggest a curfew, it often was an earlier time than we might have set.)

• Talk with other teens and their parents about what is reasonable. This is important, especially when the problem seems to be that "all of the other kids can stay out later." If parents and kids decide together on some community rules, then no one needs to feel embarrassed because their parents are stricter than others.

• Have clearly set rules and expectations that everyone in the family understands. One of our family rules was that the kids would always let us know where they'd be and when they planned on returning. In the rare case where one of the kids had a problem making it home on time, they knew they could call us without getting in trouble. Now, as our kids look back on their teens, they say they knew we trusted them and so they did not want to betray that trust. And, although they may not always have understood it at the time, they say they know that the reason we set a curfew was because we cared about them and their well-being. A curfew is not a punishment.

• Check into whether your town has curfew laws for kids your daughter's age. Parents need to be aware of, and support their children in being respectful of, these laws. To accommodate the fact that many teens are night owls, parents might host late-night get-togethers -- maybe for videos and pizza -- at home. This gives teens the chance for late-night fun, in a safe place, within the rules of the community.

Through all of your teens' striving for control and independence, remember that young people thrive when they know that parents care enough to set limits. In the short-run, we may not win a popularity contest. But, in the long-run, our kids will know that we had their best interests at heart.

Question: Several times lately our four-year-old has gotten all worked up at night, claiming that there's a monster under his bed. He says that he's afraid to be alone in his room. Is this cause for concern? And, how can we help him get over these fears?

Answer: What you describe is not at all unusual. For many reasons, young children get frightened when they're alone, especially at night and in the dark. They often imagine all sorts of scary creatures in the closet or under the bed. Very young children can't separate reality from fantasy, and when they can't see what's around them, their vivid imaginations go to work. Also, the frightening images that surround our children on television and film may feed into these fears.

These images are not all fantasy: Actual news stories of children being abused or kidnapped can erode the security of children of all ages. It also is common for ordinary stress and anxiety to bubble up at night--when children can't exactly name what's making them uneasy, it may come out as fear of imagined creatures.

Such fears become cause for serious concern only when they go on long enough--or are intense enough--that they interfere significantly with a child’s sleep or the ability to play and learn during the daytime hours. In that case it would be wise to check to be sure he has not experienced something traumatic--and seek professional counseling if needed.

For now, here are a few tips on how to help your son master these fears so that he--and you--can rest easily:

• Take your son's fears seriously, without overreacting. It is important not to dismiss or ridicule his fears. Hear his feelings and reflect them back to him with words: "I can see you're really scared."

• Reassure him that you are there to make sure he is safe. Offer comfort as needed, and demonstrate to him that there's nothing frightening in his room. This may mean turning on the light in his closet or looking under the bed to show him that everything is fine.

• Over time, help him actively master his fears by reading or making up stories about little boys and their monsters. (Maurice Sendak’s “Where the Wild Things Are” was a favorite at our house.) Or you could join him in imaginative play and act out monster stories. For example, he could pretend to be the monster and you could be the child who tells the monster to either start being nice or go someplace else. Or your son could be the parent reassuring his stuffed animal or doll that he will keep them safe.

• Finally, see through your child's eyes by remembering your own childhood. What used to frighten you? And what did you find comforting at those times? As with so many aspects of parenting, our own childhood memories often yield the best information on how to care for our children.