| 1 year ago :: Sep 29, 2008 - 11:00AM #1 | |
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I asked Husband last night if he was freaking out about having a child as much as I am. He said yes, but neither of us went into any detail. I am here today to announce that I am really, truly, honestly freaking out.
Point: I don't particularly like kids. Maybe I'm just projecting because I see the way parents let their kids walk all over them these days, but for the most part the kids I've come in contact with are rude, demanding, loud, dirty little trolls. (The exception as of late is Z's kids, who are well behaved and charming and I'm not just saying that.) Point: Kids are afraid of me. It doesn't seem to matter who the kid is, or how nice I am, or how much I smile at them, or whatever -- I scare children. (I weird out adults too, but that's a whole other problem.) Point: I have no real experience with children. The last time I babysat anyone was in 7th grade. Point: I have about as much maternal instinct (toward humans) as a screwdriver. True, I have taken care of a litter of orphaned newborn rats, but even then only one out of eight survived. Point: There are certain health concerns on my side of the family that I am worried about passing to my offspring. So why the hell did I follow up on this biological urge to breed? Because I figure I'll like my kids. I romantically believe that I will be able to mold them to be something better than myself. I have hope that perhaps someday my children will be able the change the world as I have not been able to. Maybe my child will discover the cure to cancer or AIDS, eliminate hunger, bring down a corrupt corporation, teach Americans how to use a damn apostrophe correctly, or inspire the world to realize true peace. But will we be able to actually raise our children without a) killing them, b) crushing their dreams, or c) devolving into brain-dead PTO zombies? Sure, there are plenty of books and manuals telling you how things are supposed to go. I am a very logic-driven individual. IF A+B=C, THEN GOTO D. IF A+B=E BUT NOT F, THEN GOTO G. I'm afraid of reading something, having the exact opposite happen, getting overly frustrated, and hunting down Dr. Spock and egging his house (or his family's house, if he's not around anymore). I'm not naïve; I know that pretty much nothing works according to plan when it comes to raising kids. I'm starting to look at things in the context of being a parent. Case in point: maxi pad commercials. Back in the day they would talk about feminine hygiene products in a roundabout way involving tennis and walks on the beach. Today they're breaking those puppies out of the packaging, putting them on your TV screen in closeup full color HD, and pouring blue liquid on them. How the hell do you explain maxi pads to a child? And that's just the cottony, absorbant tip of the iceburg! I'm considering tossing the living room TV out of a moving car. Too bad I'd never litter like that. So anyway, my question to you parents is this: planned or unplanned, did you go through this turmoil during your first pregnancy? Did you have any epiphanies that you would like to share with us first timers? Did |
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| 1 year ago :: Sep 29, 2008 - 11:37AM #2 | |
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Relax, we all have gone through it and sometimes still do. No one has it all figured out and rarely does it follow the picture-perfect a + b = c formula that books seem to think is possible. Sorry, life is simply not like that. Thank you for your sweet comment on my kids, hopefully you are telling the truth and they are respectful (but its ok if that was just a nice thing to say). Remember that you will figure it out. The tampons and pads will not come for awhile and really the kid won't be watching tv for quite awhile as they are not interested in anything on the tube for at least a year or so. Therefore, take that challenge when it comes. If you fret about their jobs, schools, marriage proposals, and driving lessons you will be overwhelming yourself unnecessarily. Consider it this way: if you did not care, if you did not have a solid and thoughtful head with a compassionate heart, then you wouldn't be freaking out right now. This just means that you are going to be an exceptional mom. I too worried and thought about all my dreams for Cecelia. I remember thinking about discipline, rules, values, and teaching moments. I started to think about what kind of child I would like her to be and how I might bring her to this perfection. However, one thing that might be considered a moment of clarity was when I stopped.... I thought, "what kind of mom do I want to be?" After all, your child will model herself/himself after you. Therefore, sit down and think about what kind of woman you want to be. Is there anything that you'd like to accomplish before you have your baby? Is there a characteristic that you want to work on? Think about those things. Life is a journey and you can take each step thoughtfully. Don't worry about "having it all" or being the "best" or even about your "maternal instincts", just take each moment and do the best you can. It will fall into place, you will feel more relaxed about this entire situation. However, don't ever expect that you will "get there" and suddenly life will be perfect. There will be new challenges at every stage in your and your little one's life. Take each one with thoughtful attention to your end-goals and make choices that coincide with where you'd like to go. For example, it seems that you are passionate about teaching your children how to respect adults and not letting them "walk all over you". Possibly think about this, consider how you will encourage these values in your children. Be mindful though, your kid will not be disrespectful for awhile as they will simply be working out the pooping/eating/sleeping thing at first. lol You will be a wonderful mom. Remember that we are all here to help and encourage you along the way. Take this time to enjoy your husband and embrace all the changes and emotions that you are going through right now. |
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| 1 year ago :: Oct 02, 2008 - 11:15AM #3 | |
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Oh, PPC, welcome to the sisterhood. This may not sit well, but hear me out... you are right to be afraid. I say that because it means that you CARE what kind of a parent you are. This is a good thing. Now, let it go... a little, because there will be plenty of time for all of that paranoia when you're in the thick of it. Once you take that first step into parenting, suddenly you begin to realize how very difficult it is. You see, it's not like going shopping -- you don't go to the hospital with a list of what this experience is going to be, and what qualities this little one is going to bring to the table, and then get everything on the list. In fact, usually you barely get anything on the list. In other words, I was a total parenting expert... before I became a parent. It is the hardest work you'll ever do. It is also the most rewarding - this is why people do it multiple times.
Here's what I know to be true, you may not fall immediately in love (this is a harsh truth - one which people don't freely admit to - but it was the case for me), but you WILL fall HEAD OVER HEELS in love with your own child. You may even continue to think that other kids suck really bad, but that your child is the one and only exception to the rule. Nature does this for us, so we don't have to worry about it. You will most certainly LOVE your child. You may not like them all the time, you may get irritated with the biting, screaming, and tantrum throwing, but you will love them through it. The question for me has always been, can I love myself through this? Can I be confident that I am doing my best as a parent? That's the most important thing. To silence the voices of those around you who have never been in your shoes, yet seem to think they know what's best for you and your family, and trust your own inner parenting voice... because in the end... that's what makes a dynamite parent!
You're going to do fine! I promise. And most importantly, you are not alone! |
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| 1 year ago :: Oct 02, 2008 - 11:24AM #4 | |
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You'll be fine, just have 3 children and pour all your attention on the middle child |
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| 1 year ago :: Oct 02, 2008 - 10:12PM #5 | |
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I'm starting to look at things in the context of being a parent. That's one of the things I've liked about becoming a parent. I've gotten a broader perspective.
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| 13 months ago :: Dec 06, 2008 - 1:43PM #6 | |
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I came to parenthood a bit later in life (35) because up until my early 30s I never was able to picture in my mind being a parent. As I crossed into my thirties I realised that I was picturing myself as a parent as I mentally watched other parents and cataloged what I like and disliked about how they were doing as parents. I was single with no romantic involvment in site so I came to parenthood thru adoption and it was quite along process but i kept moving forward, jumping thru all the hoops with a smile on my face because it was my choice to go thru the process. When my daughter was placed in my arms I knew it was right and I fell in love right there. I knew parenthood would be hard and I would have to ask for help and that the biggest thing I feared was social interaction with my parents of other kids, I am very comfortable with folks I have know for years but casual aquaintances are trickier. What I have found out is that becoming a parent later in life gives you more experiences that help with parenting. I have fewer fears about what impressions I am making and more tolerance of others. The cliches don't sweat the small stuff and pick your battles have large grains of truth in them and that it is okay to call up friends and ask for advice about anything! Thats why they are your friends. Its okay not to like your kid while they are being unreasonable and to not like other kids too, sometimes 5 year olds are pains in the butt! Trust your instincts , you are going to do fine. Notice I did not say perfect! What works for you and your family is what is right for you and your family! Phooey on the nay sayers!!!!! Enjoy the good learn form the crappy and move on. Boy did that sound hokey but its true! |
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| 11 months ago :: Jan 16, 2009 - 12:47PM #7 | |
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As I say to all new parents: Welcome to the club. 'Cause it is kind of a club. I have 4 kids now and NEVER babysat. Did not really like children (still am very picky about those I really take to), but I LOVE my kids and I cannot imagine having my life without them.
I was a single, surprise parent for my oldest - and really had no idea what was going on. I did not know how to change a diaper when I brought her home! Thankfully, my parents stayed with me for the 1st week. Even with all that, once I got her home and friends started asking what it was like, how different did I feel, I distinctly remember telling everybody: "I feel as though she was always here!" And strangely enough, that is the truth.
Tampon & pad commercials. I remember walking up to my mom and asking what those vague commercials were for. They always said you should have them to be a strong, active woman and I wanted to become that - so what the hell is it I needed?! The questions will come eventually, regardless. Sometimes when you least expect them - sometimes when you're wondering why they aren't being voiced.
Be true to yourself and what you believe. No second guessing a decision. No blood, no foul. Seriously, make decisions based on what you believe to be right and don't go back on them. You will learn from yourself when you believe you should have handled a situation differently and your child will learn from your consistency.
Finally, enjoy. Learn to look at the world again as though you've never seen it before - that it what you will be allowed to do through the eyes of your child. Color, somersault, hoola hoop, leap frog, finger paint . . . . . giggle, tickle and laugh whenever you can. This is the best deal you've got coming up. It's gonna suck sometimes - and you may want to tell your child how much you hate them when they want to tell you the same - but really, you never will. You will love them more than you ever realized was possible.
Congratulations. You are going to rock at this! |
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