Babies do a bunch of weird stuff.  Babies spit up.  I think everyone knows that.  But sometimes...they spit up out of their nose.  Last week the baby was fussing and fussing and when I peeked in on him he had a trail of milk coming out of his nose.  Well, I assumed it was milk-either that or baby Chedda has a coke problem. 

Also babies have immature circulatory systems.  This was the explanation for why one of my cute little one's arm was blackish purple when I went to change him and completely normal colored by the time I'd called the doctor in a panic. 

Babies are like disgusting men you'd never date.  I'll be looking into his sweet little eyes and he will let out a burp I swear came out of a grown man at a Fraternity kegger.  There's never any need to wonder if the baby's gone poop because I can hear it three rooms down.  It sounds like a wet earthquake explosion.  You walk in, pull open the diaper and sure enough there's some strange lumpy colored poo leaking out of his diaper and smeared up to the back of his neck.  Whatever you do-do NOT buy cheap diapers in bulk.  They're really just engineered to be a funnel for getting his poo of of his butt and into his socks.  And if you're me you'll feel guilty about throwing away all 200 or so of them so you'll just continue to use them and pray that he doesn't squirt out pea soup onto your new pants.

Babies are born with ginormous sex organs.  Or at least baby Chedda was.  We've got a picture of him right after birth-the nurse is holding him up and all you can look at is his big red balls.  I left the decision about cir****cision up to Jim as I don't have a penis and didn't feel strongly either way.  (Initially I was worried because I don't think I've ever seen an uncir****sized penis-it kinda looked like a rolled up joint-not that I've ever seen one of those either.)  We ended up deciding to cir****size.  The doctor took our little biscuit away and when he came back I cried.  Not because I was concerned about the pain we'd put our little fellow through.  Just because his penis was so cute.  A little miniature version of the real thing.  (Must make scrapbook page with that caption to show future girlfriends when son forgets to do household chores.)

Babies love to suck.  You'd think they'd get scared with this this mound of flesh that's bigger than their head coming at them-but Chedda just gets all excited and starts sucking away.  Sometimes he misses and sucks away at my belly fat.  Once he gets started he has a hard time stopping.  I know he's about done when he starts to grimace and make little grunting moaning sounds.  Then he starts kind of batting my boobies and starts shaking his head frantically from side to side before he is able to open his mouth and pop the nipple out.  Speaking of nipples, what's with the constant nipplage?  You'd think I'd bought Lojay's fake nipples the way I'm sticking out.  I finally bought some plastic nipple covers so I could go out to the store without people thinking I'm filming the intro to a porno. 

Of course all the weird crap babies do is balanced out by the weird stuff their new parents do.  Chedda's baby daddy keeps asking if we should get him into baby modeling.  And we're so obsessed with getting the perfect picture that I'm afraid Chedda's gonna think we are a one eyed giant lens type of parent.  I've avoided it so far, but I think his poop sounds are so funny that I totally want to take a movie and post it on You Tube.  I mean seriously, WTF is wrong with me?  Jim is obsessed with the nasal aspirator-whenever he gets a chance he's sucking snot out of Chedda's little nostrils.  And I find myself practically sticking my entire nose up baby's butt sniffing for poop.