Have you ever thought about breaking up with a friend? I've had friendships which have served a purpose at a specific time in my life-and when that time was over-we simply lost contact. I've had one particularly toxic friendship with an alcoholic which ended similarly-but am haunted by because I never got closure with that relationship. I still dream about my friend even though I am confident that I made the correct decision-albeit handled it incorrectly.
I had my first child last September-and I expected some of my friendships-especially with my single friends to change. I've made it a point to try to limit my baby conversations with these friends instead focusing on jobs, tv, etc. I say limit but I'm sure I still bore them to tears with baby poo stories...
And although we can prepare ourselves for the friendships that change-we can't predict which ones will change for the better or worse. Which is where I find myself today-upset and saddened by one of my oldest and best friend's (we were maid of honors at each other's weddings) reaction to my new baby.
By reaction I mean no reaction. No phone call right after the fact, no email, no card in the mail. Nothing, nada. I know that not everyone is into babies-but really? No phone call for your former maid of honor?!? I finally sent an email (lame, I know but I lost her phone number when I changed phones) and got a lovely apology back in December. And a invitation to lunch which I accepted and then was stood up for.
After writing this down, I feel a little bit like a poster child for "She's just not that into you." But I need to let you know a little back story-this is a friend who has had several miscarriages before recently ending her marriage. I know she is in a different spot in her life than I am-and I wonder if it's painful/hard for her to see me and my little one?
But it bother's me almost daily that there has been no attempt to see me-or talk to me beyond sending me fuzzy teddy bears on Facebook. I've met many new friends through this website-but we're still new friends-and I miss the ability to sit with one of my oldest friends and discuss things. Is it unreasonable to expect a friend-a good friend not so long ago to make an effort when a new baby is born (or before the baby is 8 months old?) or am I being a crazed parent?
You are mourning this friendship... it will continue to hurt. I do believe that she should have at least attempted to apologize for standing you up. Alas, sometimes it is hard to exactly understand why people act the way they do.
ZI've been learning over the last 2 years that I totally suck at losing friends. I take things personally. I tend to stew about it and get frustrated when someone whom I regarded as a friend begins to behave in ways I never expected. Rarely do I recieve a clear-cut closure to the relaionship. Instead it is the back-handed comments, the ignoring in public places where we may have passed, the gossip, and sometimes simply no contact at all. In fact, I believe the ones that hurt the most for me are the friends that I considered close and/or that I have really connected with. After several unanswered phone messages, e-mails, and comments... I tend to just stop working so hard. It sucks... I feel frustrated and begin to internalize it all. What I've realized though is that this interalization only serves to frustrate and drain my own energy. Consequently, in some of these cases I've decided to just relax and do my best to remember that it's not about me.
Yes, life changes, experiences change, and people change. You know what your friend has gone through in this last year and yes she may not feel that she can connect with you. Granted, you know that your old frienship would not hold these barriers up to impede a cordial phone call or meeting for coffee, but she may not be able to muster the courage to try.
Mourn her. Be available if she offers up a hope of contact. Yet, protect yourself and your heart. Remember it's not you.
I know this is not especially helpful, but this is a topic I have pondered alot lately. Sometimes we need to just hold those close to us that return our friendship. Love you dear!
10:11 PM CST