There's something growing in my breast.  There's no need to worry because it is 99.9% NOT I repeat NOT cancer.  but what if it is...  It's firm and big and migrating around on the side of my right breast.  These are the same breasts that were a source of food for my little one just a few weeks back.  At first, I thought maybe it was just the milk drying up.  but what if it is something else... So I did the worst possible thing ever-I looked online.  Do a google search for painful breast lump three weeks after breastfeeding and you get the story of a similar woman whose lump ended up being cancerous.  and what if mine is too... So I called the doctor.

I've called the doctor a million times and the receptionist checks your insurance information, inquires about the reason for your visit and merrily sets about scheduling your appointment.  But when I tell her that I need to see the doctor about a painful breast lump, she gets quiet and immediately puts me on hold.  Ironically-or perhaps not-Corey Hart's Never Surrender song is playing, "Just a little more time is all I'm asking for."  I hope this isn't some kind of sign.  I'm set up for an appointment the next morning. 

Wake up and I'm pretty sure the lump is gone.  Maybe it was some kind of clogged milk duct.  I'm relieved but keep the appointment nonetheless.  When I go in, I tell the doctor that I don't really feel it anymore-and she nods as if this happens all the time.  what if I'm acting like a paranoid idiot?  But when it's time to do the exam, she finds it hiding out just under the breast.  She notes that it's big and doesn't feel like Cancer.  It may be a cyst.  The whole thing measures in at 4x5 cm.  I think that's big but can't be sure.  It's probably a good thing she didn't measure it in millimeters or I'd really be scared.  I tell myself that-of course it's a cyst-if it's Cancer I'm surely f#$%# cause it's not a little pea size.  but what if it's been hiding all along and that's why I never made enough milk....

I could keep going with the what if's and soon I'd end up in a pretty dark place.  But that is silly because of course my brain knows that it's more than probably not CANCER.  It's too big, it's growing too fast and it's painful.  but what if.... I go in next week for my first mammogram and ultrasound.  And then I will be able to quiet that little tiny what if... voice inside of me.  Either it is or it is not.  And all the what if's in the world won't change that.  Mark Twain said, "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened"  And that it what I'm going to remind myself of-until I know if it is or is not.