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Thanks dear... I thought alot about that today. I want to be the courageous woman who can stand tall in who she is... but today I was broken and trying to stay open. I also don't want to be like the women who shut themselves off. I cannot put up all those walls and allow myself to become hard and bitter. Staying open is extremely hard when you've been hurt by family. Sometimes trusting in the ones that are supposed to not hurt you can be worse than being hurt by "friends". Yet, I am supposed to find my identity and maintain my courage while resting in my support-network. This requires openness. I grappled with this today. I am trying to let go and allow myself to be loved instead of curling up in a ball and pushing the walls up. I cannot protect myself from pain, but I can walk through it. Does that make sense?

Thanks for the encouragement, Kelly. Right now, I just feel like I have to fight through. It's frustrating being alone in my family on this one. They are convinced that I continue to be sick because of my project. Honestly, 2 doctors have now said that it is unrelated, just poor timing. I found out last night that I have pneumonia. Great. So, I've been sick for 2 weeks straight and I'm going into my final week before this egg-donation and now I have gunk in my lungs. At least I am on an antibiotic regimine now so I see the light.

I don't even have the energy to really embrace this thing. Right now, I just want to get through. I want to finish what I started and help this woman have a baby. Everyone seems to think I'm crazy. I'm not trying to kill myself. However, I'm unwilling to stop because I got sick. I can still give myself shots and get to my ultrasounds. All I need to do is survive for another week, then I'll be all better on both fronts. *sigh*

I just don't have the energy to fight them all and that doesn't help because I'm just too bogged down to put up much of an intellectual fight.

Thanks for the kind words. Sorry to hear that you lost both of your grandmothers. Just courious, how long did they have to suffer with this terrible diesase?

Hah aha hahahah Thank you!

I think that the kids have been handling it fine :) They sort of understand that I am doing this to help a woman have a child, even if their analysis is: "she's the egg part."

You are hosting the Game Night thing, right? Let me know if you need me to help with anything! :)

The thing is, I'm trying to be mature. It's a completely immature move to run your mouth about how much she thinks we are the cause of all her problems. She's been doing this non-stop with us. I don't want to be just like her. I HATE it that I don't feel free to just tell her how I feel, but I seriously will not stoop to the immature person that see is.

I wish I could have a tantrum! I SOOOO wish I could.