Everybody must react this way when they read one of Z's blogs. I just want to grab a few cups of coffee and sit down with her and some other women and talk. Talk about what she blogged about - where the thoughts and feelings stem from - where the journey is leading her. How the rest of these women at the table are coping and succeeding.

The past can be intimidating. But it is always there. Never changing, unless it is growing in my own mind. Becoming worse than it was. Making me feel smaller than I am.

But the past is also me. "If you could change one thing about your past, what would it be?!" Nothing. Not the mistakes, not the missteps. Nothing. Who would I be if I changed even one part of the person I used to be? What person would not be in my life now because of something I want to change 20 years ago? What person would be here?

When my oldest was a baby, my mother frequently would say, "That baby girl saved your life. You wouldn't be living here now if you hadn't had her." Ugh, melodramatic. But, also ringing true. Saved my life? Hmm, let's not get carried away - but really, having that child became the catalyst for many changes that helped to lead me here. Growing stronger, because I had to think of my child first.

It takes a long time to get over the anxious feeling a song, a smell, a similar event can trigger. But, I do believe that eventually I will turn that corner one final time. I feel it happening now. In small ways. And it feels liberating. It gives me strength.

Z - wise beyond her years and fun beyond this world! She really does make me think.