There have been several moments in my life where I have either intentionally or life has forced me to slow down and reexamine things. The last time I came to this point, it was forced upon me and the details were seared into my brain, a constant reminder of pain and struggle. This time, I chose this route. Honestly, it's alot easier to choose to slow down and take a life-inventory than it is to have cir****stance fling it upon you.
I quit my job at Starbucks on Friday. After crying myself to sleep on Thursday evening and thinking deeply about the joy that this job has brought me, I woke up resolved and thoughtful. I loved Starbucks... and still do. I've worked there for several years as an attempt to bring in more money and get out of the house. Then, it became clear to me... I was simply going through too much to adequately hold down that job. My life has become exceedingly challenging as my health continues to flip flop from sickness to sickness. Even a fairly normal procedure like wisdom-teeth removal has morphed into a monster. Of course, I would be the one that has every complication and side-affect.
I wondered why I clung to this job so hard as I wasn't able to make all my shifts and was constantly in a state of stress whenever I went there. In addition, there were several personalities at work that I began to see clearer over the last couple of weeks. Although I know we need the money, I also knew that my husband had jobs that had to be put on hold and/or rescheduled because of the couple of nights that I was working. Therefore, it would save us all a little bit of headache if I left.
Regardless the reasoning, I stopped and reexamined everything. It became clear that for now I needed to quit. Maybe once I am stronger I may be able to go back to work, but for now it was just too much. I was barely hanging onto sanity as it was and the stress was simply too much.
So here I am... jobless... finished with school... and simply asked to care for myself and take care of my family. I feel free.
This will be an interesting journey. I'm trying to remember that taking care of myself both in terms of staying healthy and creating an atmosphere for happiness is possibly my most-important job. Although I've attempted several times over the last 6 months to refocus my efforts of getting my body back in "fighting" shape, it seems that the element of stress always thwarted my efforts.
So, I'm starting this process by simply trying to get over the health issues that I've been struggling with this week... and beginning to remember the most important people in my life. My children have their last week of school and then we are free to jump into summer with excitement. It will be a wonderful summer and I look forward to exploring the imaginary realms of children's stories and taking adventures with my little explorers. I look forward to connecting with friends.
Most of all, I am reexamining my life and trying to fit the things that make me the most happy into every day. I even stopped working in the yard this weekend because I consciously chose to take care of myself and not push my body too hard. Instead, I grabbed a book and sat in the sun to enjoy my day. Although this may seem small, the victory for me is the choice to stop. I'm good at pushing myself to the limit everyday and accomplishing alot.
So... that's where I am at... anyone else re-examining life? What have you learned?
I would like to make a public announcement to the residents of Plymouth and other burbs and neighborhoods that suffer from the affliction of Christmas lights in summer.
Yes, it is true. I have seen this affliction within my neighborhood. The other day, I saw an evergreen covered in lit Christmas lights.
Announcement: You CAN take the lights off your trees. It is warm enough to tackle this project. No one will mistake the time of year for Christmas simply because you have a lit tree in your yard. In fact, I am pretty sure there are services that will take these lights down for a small fee. In my opinion, this fee is well worth it as your absurd festive display does not complement the tulips blooming in your garden.
Warning: I am writing this in the middle of the night as I wait for my codeine to kick in. In fact, I think it just did. As I sit, I don't feel the affects, but standing is like some drunken version of seeing. So, bring on the dizzy! Therefore, I take no responsibility for any spelling errors or completely absurd comments. Oh and being focused and coherent is not necessarily at the top of my list. Think of it like Jan's old drunk blogs, but this would be more like a drug blog.
Yesterday morning, I had my 4 wisdom teeth pulled, so this is the reason for the meds and the slowing down. Of course, on Thursday, I prepared for this weekend like I was going to have a baby! I cooked and cleaned and did laundry... I even mowed the lawn and got some mulch from the City of Plymouth. BTW: mulch does not last very long. My goodness, it hardly covered one of my gardens and I had 6 bags. Looks like I need to go get some more.
that's a funny story...
So, I found out that I can get free mulch through the City of Plymouth at their yard-waste center. Unfortunately their hours are bunk and you have to get it yourself. It's not the pretty type, nor is it dyed, but it's mulch. Considering the fact that I have 6 gardens to mulch, free is a fantastic price and I don't really care if it looks fabulous. Hopefully the mulch will not be the eye catcher, just the flowers/plants. I have not mulched in the last several years and now there are some gardens that have the fabric peaking through. Therefore, I needed SOMETHING.
I put Bella, Sophia and Jack in the car with a shovel and a bunch of garbage bags. As I pulled up to the site, there was a line and I worried that I wouldn't get any (as I had never been there before). Then, I saw the piles... there was PLENTY!
They had compost which was gorgeous and super smelly. I took two bags of that and then got 6 bags of mulch. I had Bella get out of the car, much to the protest of Sophia and Jack who REALLY wanted to be out of the car. I had parked right next to the piles and was simply shovelling it into the bags, then plopping these bags in the trunk or back seats. Here I was, trying to fill these bags with Bella holding them open and all the other people had pickup trucks with tarps. They were simply pulling up and hopping off with pitch forks to fling their mulch from the top of the pile. I looked like a total weirdo. Alas, it was much easier to handle once I got home as I didn't have to shovel it out of the trunk into a wheelbarrow. I simply took the bags to the random locations around my yard. So, whatever, I still got mine :)
k maybe that wasn't very funny... but I felt like a dork... and now I have to go back.
I'm uncertain whether this blog will turn into anything coherent at this point, so I might as well stop. I do have enough meals cooked/prepared for the rest of the weekend so I'm planning on resting and relaxing. I will worry about the gardens next week.
Dude... I'm so scattered right now!
I asked the doc if anyone had said anything weird to her while they were under the anesthesia (right as she gave me mine). She smiled and said: "I had one guy say I had pretty eyes and there was another who was adamant that he hated Coldplay." I hope I didn't say anything weird. Regardless, I don't really remember it, so it doesn't matter. Of course, having my mouth open during the procedure pretty much makes it impossible to talk to the doctor. BTW: Why DO dentists ask you questions while they are in your mouth? It's not like you can respond!
I feel like there is a million things I could blog about, but somehow lack the energy to complete even one substantive blog. Consequently, I believe I will simply throw down the thoughts in a hap-hazard way and hope that somehow they make sense to the observer.
I'm loving the spring flowers and enjoy having Sophia bounce in with a fresh bouquet for me every morning.
I've decided to homeschool Bella for next year. I think her personality and educational needs will be met in this environment. This was a hard decision, but I took the time to think about what would be best for Bella.. not what is easiest.
2 paintings are sold
4 teeth are going to be removed on Friday... I need to prepare for a weekend of relaxation. Thus, it's all about the cleaning and pre-cooking.
I had an allergic reaction to something last night... but don't know what it was! I was simply sitting on the couch after work and then it came on.
I will be the bad mom and veto a pet (as this has been the discussion as of late)... after all we all know who will be doing most of the work. Besides, I'm fairly certain that I will be allergic to a guinea pig too.
When you are pushing so hard to simply get by, it's sometimes hard to relax.
Love sun!
Jack has turned into a devil over the last 2 weeks. He has been throwing a crying fest after his nap that seems to last about 45 minutes.... every time. It sucks.
Last night I worked with a woman that has become a good friend of mine. She is strong, independent, and completely real. Usually, whenever we work together we talk about anything and everything. The result is always that we leave energized and much happier.
Yet, last night I found myselt stumbling to bring up the mood. Both of us were just blank.... caught in our own thoughts and worries. Being blank is far worse than being angry or frustrated because its harder to combat. It's like a blanket that just sits on your chest and makes you emotionless.
We worked with minimal conversation and she kept saying: "It'll get better... it has to." Repeating this over and over to herself, as if repeating it would bring on the blessings. I fumbled to help with empty words, of "sure it will." It's different when you almost don't believe it yourself.
As I left work last night, I tried to think of something... anything... to help her.
I should have given her a hug.
Sometimes life seems to just hit you on all sides. Then, at the end of the day, you slump into bed physically and emotionally exhausted.
I know alot of people whose experiences seem to mimic this reality. Yet, somehow I feel helpless to actually increase their happiness or help them cope with what life has thrown their way.
I'm seeking strength... for me... and for the friends around me. These last couple of days, I have been pushing through and trying to remember the good and appreciate those moments in my life that bring me joy. Sometimes it seems to take super-human effort.
